One Year After. F*ck.

We're back, happy birthday again.

Share Happiness.  Do something that will make someone happy.

Have a cat.

2017 art dump, GO!

 

 

 

 

I think it's been a good year for artwork, yeah?

Favorite Films of 2017 - 

1. BladeRunner 2049
2. Logan
3. John Wick 2 / Dunkirk
4. Kimi no Nawa (Your Name)
5. Baby Driver
6. IT

Movies I want to see from 2017 but haven't:

• Hostiles
• Logan Lucky
• American Made
• Get Out
• Power Rangers
• Ghost in the Shell
• The Foreigner
• Atomic Blonde
• Valerian

(Personal shit below, just ignore it.)

Or don't. Nobody gives a shit.

Here's the stuff you probably don't care about (because who the hell reads my blog? You know, unless I sent you a direct link. And even then, why are you actually reading this?)

My last (deleted) post definitely had more experiences to reminisce about than this year. To re-cap, last year I had a great time traveling to Europe and experiencing a new...place (Zurich's culture is the same as my home's, just Germany-er), met an old friend in person for the first time, made new friends, got to live on my own and got out on my own, said bye to some very toxic people, and fell in love. Hard. And more than a year later, I'm still in love with her.
This year, I dealt with a lot of instances that left black marks on my friendships and it's left me fatigued and cantankerous. But it wasn't all bad...I think?

New apartment, a pay raise which means more goodies (though I need to slow down), and I learned one thing after all the crap I went through this past summer:

It's okay to spoil myself.  Sometimes.  Within reason.
Admittedly, I've been spending way too much on random crap ever since I moved into my new apartment.

Let's get to it, all the dirt of the roller coaster that was 2017.

---

This year surrounds one particular person. Her.

2017 didn't start well. Near the end of December 2016, I was essentially betrayed and berated by a close friend.  I really trusted her and confided in her, and she in turn told the one I'm [extremely] infatuated with all my faults with most likely a sense of judgement and condescension that put me in a very bad light.  I was brought down because I tried to do something nice for someone else.  Apparently I'm a huge asshole for that and she had to make me feel less than the dirt on her shoe for it.  But, I survived.  I wasn't so much hurt at what she said but why she said it.  I don't understand why a "friend" would want to cause someone so much harm just for trying to make someone (else) happy.  

Oh. I know why. Because it wasn't her that I was trying to make happy.

I'm strong enough to brush off what she said to me, but what made me spiral was that I couldn't look at that certain someone without...well, I couldn't look at her.  I felt shame and I couldn't bare to be around her, but bless her -- she reached out and made things better.  We got really close after that, actually for about four months.  Then she went to Europe.

Well...

Apparently, when we were sleeping the night before she left, we were holding each other and my brain somehow said it was okay for me to kiss her shoulder.  This put a giant bruise on our friendship for months and I still kick myself for it every day and I still am trying to find ways to make things right.  I'm glad she forgave me and I'm glad we can move forward and start to get things the way they were. (I kind of hate that she forgave me because she realized there was a much worse villain. So long as she's okay...)
Even though I was asleep, that's not an excuse because she was still very clearly made uncomfortable.  I'm still very sorry and I really hope I can repair our friendship to how it was before that night.  We're okay, but it's not the same...

We patched things up in time for Otakon, but then Otakon left a bruise, too.
She didn't do anything wrong, honestly neither did I -- but something was off. She didn't seem happy and seemed annoyed and aggravated at everything around her. I thought we were going to have a wonderful time with her and her best friend, and we did have some very pleasant and fun moments. The first day/night was the best. But then things went downhill. Some of this is due to my own insecurities and jealousy, the rest is mostly due to other circumstances that I happened to be around to take the frustration. Needless to say, I was hurt when I shouldn't have been.

I can admit, I get jealous easily. So when she told me she let someone kiss her for a photo, I was of course envious and I wish I could do the same. I'm proud of myself for not letting it take hold of me, though. Younger me would have flipped a table right there; I was able to move past it rather quickly, but it did put a sour note on the rest of my weekend, shamefully. Throughout the rest of the weekend, I was doing my best to make her happy. I just wanted her to have the best time of her life at this convention that meant so much to her--we got to stay together in the same room, I was her main handler, her photographer, so all the pieces were in place, but the entire time, I felt an air of disgust and anger. I didn't feel wanted by a person I deeply care about. So of course, I became depressed again. Severely.

One nice thing:

I've gotten closer to an old friend who was once my instructor. I'm really happy that we've become friends and I'm happy that we've been able to be open with each other and talk about very personal things. She's awesome and I'm really grateful that she's one of my best friends now.

I'm very grateful for the friends who helped me through my lower moments this year. (You know who you are, and I'm sorry I bothered you so much about it.) I'm very glad that they were around and there and I hope I can give the same amount of support if you need.

Back to her.

My life the past two years has been consumed and now surrounds this person. Everything I push myself to improve on, every new thing I try, it's all because of her. I've started to become conflicted and angry with myself for letting her control my emotions so frequently and intensely. One tiny thing can set me down a spiral of shame and disappointment. In the grand scheme of things, I know I deserve better and that I'm too good to her, that she does not deserve the amount attention I give her.

And yet, I still love her. I love her for everything she is and that she does that makes me want to be more, and it shows. I painted her portrait and the main reaction I got when I showed my friends was, "Wow, you really are in love with her."

Well, maybe one day, still...

(This isn't that portrait, by the way. That one's exclusive to her.)

---

I kind of wish I didn't delete my last year's post out of paranoia that she (or the other...) might have found it and things could have become twisted. From what I remember, my post last year was optimistic, excited, and satisfying. The contrasts are worrisome.

This year, it seems like the bad outweighs the good -- so much so that I only remember two instances where things were positive.  I've been able to connect and be better friends with some, but there has been so much torment throughout the year over that I often cannot remember the positives.  Conventions, social events, or casual hang outs, they're all muddled by the weeks and months of self-loathing, heartache, and neurotic, depressing thoughts.

I have never felt so unappreciated, undervalued, and unwanted.

I try to make the people I have relationships with happy. I've never felt bad about myself for trying to do something nice for someone and for trying to make them happy. But this year, I've been dragged down so much that I realized that I am really mad at myself for doing this.

The things I wish for next year:

Her love. (Obviously...) I don't think I need to delve any more into that. All my friends are more than likely...probably definitely sick and tired of me talking about her, too. 

A new, better paying, more rewarding and satisfying job. I have felt passionless for my work and I dread Mondays before Saturday is even half-way through the day because I am so tired of feeling nothing except frustration and anger every day of every week. That goes for my teaching job, as well. If it weren't for my boss and the institution, I would leave if I didn't need the money. (The children drive me insane.) I need an environment where I can thrive, not where I have to force my ideas through a pinhole that go straight into the trash can.

I'm supposed to return to Europe in the summer and I hope that is still the plan! I'd be hella happy if I could!

Finish the prologue to my comic, ONI. I have the script, I have the thumbnails, hell I have the sketches. Just need to finish it!

2017 wrapped up: Unrequited love sucks.